


The One That Got Away

by oceans_gay



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Sad tbh, baby blanket, says the f word a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:21:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24281215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceans_gay/pseuds/oceans_gay
Summary: "I love you""I fucking hate you"
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 8
Kudos: 39





	1. i fucking hate you

Two weeks.

Two weeks.

Two unbearable weeks.

That's how long it had been since Judy had seen Jen. She was mad. Mostly at herself. Only at herself, really.

She shouldn't have lied. Shouldn't have even walked into Jen's life in the first place.

_"I fucking hate you."_

She could still feel the hate Jen had in her voice. It wasn't anything Judy hadn't heard before, but it was the first time the hatred was for her. It was caused by her. 

_"You can die."_

Judy agreed with Jen. Had made a plan. She was ready, standing in the motel bathroom, looking in the mirror. She had the pills, and the bathtub filled, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't let another person ruin her.

Because she knew this wasn't entirely her fault. It wasn't her fault that Jen didn't know how to control her anger. And it wasn't her fault her mother was a drug addict and couldn't take care of her. 

But most importantly it wasn't her fault that Ted was dead. She would have went back. She would have called someone. She would have done _something._

_"Drive stupid."_

But Steve... His words and his yelling, it was just too big for little Judy. What could she have done? 

So she threw the pills away. She drained the tub. And she went to bed crying. Like every other night of the week. 

And soon it was three weeks 

then four

and five 

and soon she lost count. 

But then she got a phone call from Charlie, who was _crying_ on the phone. 7 weeks and 3 days later. 

_"Judy, we need you to come home."_

She debated on actually going or not. But hearing Charlie on the phone, so vulnerable, she needed to go. 

When she got inside of the house, she saw Henry sitting at the counter, shutting his eyes tight, plugging his ears. Charlie was pacing in front of the couch. 

"Hey," Judy said when she got there. 

"Mom’s up stairs," Charlie blurted out, running up to Judy. "She needs you," he whispered.

Judy was half way up the stairs when she could hear Jen crying. She winced as she heard glass shatter. Soon she was in front of the door, knocking before entering. 

The room was a mess. Clothes all over, broken picture frames, and ripped pillows. But the worst part was seeing Jen balled up on the floor, her face as red as a cherry and full of sweat and tears, her hair a mess, and clutching Judy's baby blanket. When she sees the blanket she wants to rip out of her arms, ask her why she’s _cuddling_ with it. 

Judy doesn't really know what to do. She doesn't want to be here. She doesn't want to exist in the presence of Jen. Because Jen hurt her in a way that wasn't fair. So Judy does the first thing she can think of.

"Jennifer," she says coldly. Jen looks up. 

"Judy," she whispers, squinting her face as more tears come out. She stands up. Judy just stands there, having no idea what to say. Jen walks closer to her, grabbing her hand. Judy flinches away. 

"Jen what the hell?" Judy asks angrily. "What the hell are you doing? Do you know how worried Charlie is? He called me, _crying_. And Henry, he's downstairs barely breathing because he's scared." Judy tells Jen. "Pull yourself together." 

“Judy, Judy,” Jen whispers frantically. “I love you,” Jen sobs. “I love you so much. I’m in love with you.” Judy wants so bad to just kiss Jen. To hold her and tell her everything will be okay. To tell her that’s she’s in love with her, too. 

“It’s a little late for that,” Judy says quietly. 

Jen looks at her in shock. Tears still stream down her face. "I uh. I'm sorry," Jen says quietly. Judy shakes her head. 

"I'm not the one you need to be apologizing to," she says. "I need you to get cleaned up. Take a shower. Wash your face. Put some new clothes on." Judy storms out of the room, going back downstairs. 

"Everything's going to be okay," she tells Charlie, hugging him. He hugs her tight, not wanting to let go. She pulls back, needing to make sure Henry is okay. She walks up to him, lightly putting her hand on his shoulder. He flinches a little, but opens his eyes. When he sees Judy he relaxes. "Mom didn't hurt you did she?" She asks, worrying about Henry's flinching. 

"She would never," Charlie answers. "Mom may be upset, for whatever fucking reason, but she would _never_ lay a hand on us." Judy looks up, nodding her head. 

"I know," she says softly. "Charlie, how long has this been going on?" 

"Um, since you left, I guess," Charlie says, a little unsure. "I mean it was never this bad, but now she just rambles on about how "Steve is such a fucking asshole", and she doesn't really live much, she kind of just exists," Charlie explains. "And she cries, a lot," he adds. Judy nods her head. 

"Do you know why she says that about Steve?" she asks. 

"Apparently he came here one night, saying all this mean stuff about you and to mom." Judy wanted to kill Steve at the thought of him hurting Jen. But she just nods her head. She tells the boys to relax on the couch, turning the TV on and going back up stairs. 

Judy opens Jen's bedroom door again. She can hear the shower still going, and as much as she doesn't want to, her body moves to the direction of the bathroom. She knocks and opens the door when she doesn't hear a response. She walks up to the shower, pulling the curtain open a little. Jen is standing there, only part of her body is wet, her hair still in that days old messy bun. Judy knows she's been standing in the same spot this whole time. Judy grabs a towel and opens the shower curtain all the way. Jen flinches at the cold air. Judy wraps the towel around Jen, leading her to bed. 

Jen sits on the bed, the towel loosely wrapped around her shoulders. Judy rummages around the piles of clothes on the floor trying to find a clean pair of pajamas. She can't find anything, so she ends up getting an over-sized t-shirt from the closet. She rolls her eyes when she realizes it's hers. 

Judy takes the towel off of Jen, putting the shirt on. Jen stares off. Her face looks like she's in a totally different dimension. Tears fall down her face. She doesn't even realize she's crying. It's kind of just second nature now. 

"Jen," Judy says softly, yet a little harsh. "Lay down." Judy watches as Jen complies, bringing her feet to the bed. Jen turns on her side, closing her eyes. Judy knows she can't just leave Jen here. She should wait until she falls asleep. So Judy moves to lay on the bed with Jen. She hesitates to do it, but she holds Jen. 

It feels so good. To be close to the women she _loves_. But it also hurts so much. Too much. So when she's sure Jen is asleep, she gets up. Before she leaves, she writes Jen a note

_"Don't bother calling. Just please take of yourself and the boys. You''l be fine without me."_

Judy looks back at the sleeping figure on the bed just before leaving. She goes back to Jen, resting her hand on her cheek. She leans down, leaving a lingering kiss on Jen's forehead. Judy grabs her baby blanket from the floor, resting it on top of Jen. 

When she goes downstairs she finds the boys leaning on each other, both asleep. 

That's the last time she ever sees her family. She's go back to the motel, and decides to start her life all over again. 


	2. i love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you."
> 
> "I fucking hate you."

Two weeks.

Two fucking weeks.

Two unbearable fucking weeks.

That's how long it had been since she last seen or heard from Judy.

_"I love you."_

Judy said the words, and Jen didn't hesitate when she said "I fucking hate you." 

Except she didn't mean it. She meant the exact opposite. She loved Judy, with every bone in her body, but she couldn't control the words coming out of her mouth. 

She just wanted Judy to know how much she actually loved her. But it was too late. 

And then Steve said those fucking nasty things to Jen. If Jen wasn't miserable without Judy, she was really fucking miserable when Steve said those words to her. She believed them, though. Every single word he said. It was her fault. 

Everything was her own fucking fault. 

She couldn't do it anymore. 52 days without seeing Judy, without hearing her voice, and feeling her love. 

It was the worst fucking feeling on the planet. Not being able to just see Judy. She felt so _empty._

She didn't mean to scare the boys. She just needed them to leave her alone. Because it wasn't _just_ about Judy. 

It was about Ted, and Steve, and Lorna. And how she was failing at fucking everything. Her life was a fucking shit show and she just wanted it to be over. 

So she threw things in her room. Mostly the pictures she had left of her and Ted. And she tore Ted's old pillows open, which had been in the closet for the past 5 months. And then she saw her clothes, and threw them all over the place. 

And once she started crying she couldn't _stop_. Just on that floor hugging that fucking baby blanket because she missed _her_ so fucking much. The blanket smelled like her and felt like her. She couldn’t stop rubbing her fingers along the embroidery. _Judy Ann_. 

Then she heard Judy's voice, and she felt something again. Then Judy said she needed to pull herself together, and flinched away, she doesn't feel anything anymore. It suddenly hit her that she really fucking fucked up. 

“Judy, Judy,” Jen whispers. “I love you,” Jen sobs. “I love you so much. I’m in love with you,” she says before her brain has to process it. But she really meant them. 

“It’s a little late for that,” Judy says quietly. Jen can’t help but to shake at the thought of Judy not loving her back. 

When Judy tells her to shower, she does. She doesn't actually shower. She more or so just gets naked, turns the water on and gets in. 

She closes her eyes. Thinking about what it would be like if she wouldn't have said all of those terrible fucking words to Judy. What if she would have said she loves her too. Would they be a happy family of 4? Would Jen wake up every morning feeling Judy beside her, being able to give her kisses and hugs? Would they be _happy_?

Jen flinches when she feels the cold air hit her body. She doesn't know how long she's been in the shower, but she feels Judy wrap a towel around her. She leads her out of the shower, ending up on her bed. 

She keeps her eyes off Judy. She can feel the tears falling down her cheeks, and her eyes burn, but she can't stop crying. Not when the woman she _loves_ is right in front of her and she can't _do_ anything. But then she's laying down, wearing a shirt that she knows is Judy's. And then she closes her eyes, and for the first time in _weeks_ she actually sleeps. 

When she wakes up, Judy's blanket is being held tight in her arms. Her head hurts. 

She turns and the first thing she actually sees when she wakes is the note 

_"Don't bother calling. Just please take of yourself and the boys. You'll be fine without me."_

It fucking hurts Jen, but life goes on. 


End file.
